2005

11:16PM New Years Eve. I am feeling retrospective (if that is possible):

January - I finally made the commitment to start the remodeling on the house in Sugar Land. Movers took everything to storage on the 30th. I was offcially homeless. Jason starts at Junior College.
February - Lived in a temporary "executive apartment" in Doral (W Miami)....and discovered the incredible Miami winter.
March - Closed on the loft in Miami - Downtown. Jeff and Joel see Miami and fall in love with the place.
April - Lonesome. Did things I should not have. Frank's treatments are weakening him.
May - Frank's radiation treatments become highly intense. Jason actually finished junior college with good grades !
June - Happy 47. Frank is 50, he has gone to Vermont to recover. I tell Frank if he does not come off the morphine (for the radiation side-effects) I will call Betty Ford Clinic.
July - Meet my sister's new boyfriend, have a party at the condo.
August - Joel and I go to Vermont, Jason and Jeff come to Miami. Take the boys to SoBe. Frank is much better.
September - Kick in the balls - Frank's cancer is still there. Jeff joins Jason at junior college. Joel starts high school (!). Fire the secretary - she deserved it!
October - Move back into Sugar Land house.
November - Frank's cancer is now a chronic disease?
December - Time to remodel - me. Commit to weight training and diet starting after the holidays (but it is NOT a New Years resolution!). Frank starts new treatments, including oleander extract from Honduras. Please .... whomever is up there....let it be a better 2006. 2005 was a little too .....interesting.

Brokeback - and why I prefer DVDs at home

Frank and I had a "date night" last Thursday - so we went to see Brokeback Mountain. Friends of Frank's were "devastated", "moved beyond words" or "emotionally drained" from the experience. I was seeing similar comments in the posts and reviews. Besides, Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal in the same sleeping bag.....how could we resist? I am definitely of the age where DVDs at home on the big screen with a nice glass of Shiraz is my idea of how to indulge in "film". But going to the theater and buying tickets - contributing to those box office numbers - seemed the right thing to do for this particular film, at least. Besides, I have been an Ang Lee fan since The Wedding Banquet.

The crowd was a mix of f/f couples, m/f couples (liberals all, I surmised) and a few m/m couples. Most were groups of friends. The place where the film was playing in Houston has a full bar, and is near the Montrose neighborhood (which still retains some gay street cred despite extensive gentrification by yuppie lawyers). Found a good spot and settled in for the experience. Eventually all the boys and girls found seats, toting vodka sodas and bottles of Heineken. Theater was maybe 75% full for a 7:00PM showing.

Well, aside from the rude couple in the back (Frank had to go get the manager), terribly uncomfortable seats and everyone in front of us suffering from poor bladder control....it wasn't bad. But not the earth shattering experience I was psyched for. I really thought the story would speak to me in particular, having been closeted so long, and in a 16 year marriage, etc, etc, etc...but no. I was moved by the part where he (Ennis) ditches poor Alma with the babies to go skinny dipping with Jack up on the mountain. Made me think of my ex and some of the pain she went through. But in the end it was a sad little story of people who don't/won't/can't make the right choices for themselves. The two shirts tucked into each other was sweet...maybe my butt was hurting too much by that time to get too worked up over that.

A couple of subsequent irritants though - I saw the comments in several blogs on the ads used for the Oscar campaign, featuring hetero scenes of wedded bliss.....and I thought about two scenes where the female leads displayed their breasts....and I wondered why? Was this to get the straight guys into the seats? Come on honey, I wanna see it, and there's something for you too.... But we need to take what we can get - baby steps- and compared to much of what passes for gay cinema, this was not too bad of a movie.

When it hits DVD, I will probably add it to the collection, and see it again on the big TV with my Shiraz. Maybe my butt will be in a better mood and allow me the emotional devastation I was expecting!

Boxing Day

Another Christmas is over with. The terminus is always when I look at the remaining (and picked over) turkey in the Tupperware and ask if everyone is done with the turkey. If there are no protestations, it goes in the trash along with the remaining stuffing. Frank says this was one of the better ones, I guess the boys would agree - they got some pretty good gifts from me - Dell computers for the older two, and the promise of an XBox for the youngest .... When we can get our hands on one. I am not so enthusiastic. The bird was in the new oven 5 hours (15.33 pounds) and still was undercooked. I was thoroughly pissed.

We ate on the patio on the evening of the 24th. Dry weather, a little breeze, not too cool. It was a good time - because we five guys were all together. No one got food poisoning either!

Maybe not so bad

I quit posting on this site for several months (obviously). Work got busy, Frank's cancer treatment went into the radiation phase (something I have not blogged on), there was not enough going on in the world that got me worked up to comment upon (events merely left me weary and resigned). Truth be told, I felt the posts were silly, unsophisticated and poorly done. I look at them tonight and think - maybe not so bad. Although from the lack of comments, I don't think anyone has evaluated my writing, let alone noticed my absence.

I came across another blog today http://www.comingoutat48.blogspot.com/ about a man who was doing much the same as I did about ten years ago. He writes rather well, his style evokes sadness, regret and the feeling of standing outside looking at bare trees on a cold, overcast winter day. I mean all of this to be complimentary - his writing has impact.

It must be me and where I am today. So much has happened, Frank's cancer treatments are over - for now - but the latest tests show that although the cancer was greatly reduced, it was not eliminated. The news left me ...that's another post. More chemotherapy and some experimental biological therapies start in November. My sons are, for the first time in several years, all in school and making - from my perspective - progress in their lives. I fired my secretary last week, after five years. I did not handle it well - my execution (forgive the pun) - was poor. But I did the right thing for the right reasons. One of my immediate subordinates came out to me the other day - I don't know if he is looking for an older fuck buddy, gay friend/confidant, father figure or what, but I can't be those things - much as I might like to - I have to be his boss.

That's an update, might be back later. Might not.

Biscayne Blvd, looking North. Sunday, April 3, 2005

It is a gorgeous Sunday morning in Miami. A little cool, 66 degrees. I need to be outside, possibly poolside?

John Paul II, RIP

His death does not seemed to have blunted the media circus. Even my occasional glance at CNN.com tells me all I need to know of what I would see on the TV. I watched a little cable last night, the end of Bull Durham actually, instead. That Costner/Sarandon pairing was hot.

Back to the Pope. I was raised in a household of Easter Catholics - we only did the confession/communion thing for Easter, because it was really important, to at least do it then. Well my Mother at least tried to give us kids some religious training, my Dad had pretty much seen that organized religion was bull corn* and would not participate. Even Mama's obedience to Church teachings had limits, she thought nothing of using The Pill.... "The Pope don't pay MY bills", she opined - and which I blogged awhile back.

*Bull Corn was his polite version of bull-shit. He used that term until my mother died, then his language became much coarser, much to my sister's irritation.

But back -again- to the Pope.....So this human, and that's what he was - that's all he was, is now dead and even though I renounced my Catholic affiliation at the age of 13 and never .... well rarely ... looked back, I am moved to write a couple of things:

For his efforts against Communism - he has earned my admiration. The Polish Pope was the right guy at the right time. I saw at some site (must have been RedState - I can't remember and do apologize) wrote Aleksander Solshenitsen, Ronald Reagan, John Paul, were the three men at the right time in the right place. Each had a part in wiping that Communist blight from Eastern Europe, and pushing it into general disfavor throughout much of the world.

For his efforts to bring the church to the people, and to attract more young people, he should be commended. In the 80s this guy was a SuperStar! I lived in San Antonio, Tx when he came for a visit. A huge event, and these things happened everywhere he went. He began to apply some media savvy and worked to open the church to the young people of the 20th Century. Very smart.

For his continued support of the Church's obsession with sex, he gets a failing grade. This would have been an excellent time to clean out some of those ridiculous and destructive positions - condoms, birth control, celibacy, the demonization of gay men and women, the continued oppression of all women - and really establish a true Christian Church for the 21st Century. The Church's position on birth control and condoms, particularly, are criminal, given what is happening in Africa and elsewhere.

For his handling of the priestly pedophilia scandals , another failing grade - so bad as to warrant expulsion, if this were a school. But I wonder if it would have been different, had he been younger and in better health? Probably not. This was Vatican bureaucracy at its very worst. Very sad, very destructive, very evil....talk about sin!

So who's next? It may be the African, Arinze. That would get some attention. I know nothing of him, but the African contingent is no friend to the gay folks, for sure. Maybe he will back off on the condom issue, since he has seen the ravages of AIDS on his own turf. Maybe another Italian - who knows? - I heard Cardinal Law is at loose ends over there in Rome....

Regardless, it is unlikely to be someone progressive, or enlightened.

I predict the Church will become more fundamentalist. Rigid, cruel, predatory. As a thinking man, I distrust the Church. As a gay man, I fear it. It's too bad that John Paul II leaves it in this state, he truly could have built on his anti-Communist legacy by continuing to extend freedom (from disease, fear and oppression - in its many forms) to people everywhere. Fascism won out, I guess.

McCain-Feingold and Blogs

I pretty much live in Florida these days, but still keep a house - and vote - in Texas, so this is what I sent to Senators Hutchinson and Cornyn:


RE: McCain-Feingold Act, the Federal Election Commission and Internet "Bloggers"


I am writing to you (and Senator Cornyn as well) today to strongly urge you to take action with the other members of the Senate to call for hearings on the potential impact the McCain-Feingold Act will have on internet commentary, specifically "blogs". Statements from FEC Commissioner Bradley Smith have indicated that recent court decisions may cause the FEC to be forced into regulating the speech of ordinary citizens who are merely exercising their vital rights under the First Amendment.

Senator Hutchinson, I am sure that you would agree that any restrictions on the speech of a citizen is a very grave and serious matter that should be regarded with DEEP suspicion. One example cited is a citizen "blogger" who, by virtue of merely referencing an item on his/her particular weblog site that links to a campaign web-page, the FEC could deem that weblog site to be a contributor to the campaign and thereby subject to regulation. Senator, I read many of these blogs regularly, and they are an incredible grass-roots phenomenon that is giving rise to new empowerment of citizens, and challenging the established news media. Regulation by the FEC or any government agency would be similar to recent crack-downs on "bloggers" by the mullahs in Iran. This would be an unspeakable outrage and a disgraceful smear on the Constitution which you have sworn to uphold, and for which I hold to be very precious.

Senator, with all due respect, take action now to hold hearings and seek to either amend or repeal McCain-Feingold and protect the 1st Amendment.(/I)

Lets see what responses I get.

Gay Conservative (Well Mostly)

I posted this as a comment at RedState.org, but thought I would put it here as well. Could not get the link to work, I still ned practice. It was in response to a request for comments on gay marriage from other gay conservatines:


Perhaps I can offer something:

Gay couple in a comitted, monogamous relationship for almost 10 years. Raised three boys from prior marriage (mine). Two are now responsible adults working and going to school, the third is a very responsible teenager in a private (and Baptist!) high school. And not that it's really anyone's business, but it looks like all three are straight. We pay our taxes, obey the law and respect the people around us. Don't go to church, neither of us was raised to be religious, but we firmly believe that all people are due respect, dignity and the courtesy of their neighbors.

As to Conservative credentials - I believe I (sometimes) am more conservative than many of the current so-called Republicans out there, as I believe in a limited role for government (especially my choice on what to read, watch, say or do with another consenting adult), low taxes coupled with fiscal austerity, a strong defense and tough minded foreign policy. Abortion is a hideous practice, so lets make sure women have every opportunity and (along with their male partners) obligation to exercise proper discretion so as to avoid ever having to make such a choice. There are no free rides in this world. I am appalled at the relaxed attitude regarding divorce. I cannot understand why the example that some popular entertainers set is not loudly condemned. Bush's actions in the Middle East may allow him to be remembered as one of the greatest presidents ever, but I sure wish he and the rest of the Administration would learn a little more finesse in communication. He has yet to convince me about Social Security.

Marriage? I certainly dont want it for some perceived tax advantage, and we would have to make sure our wills cover any inheritance questions. We already have agreements in place for medical decisions. So we should be essentially secure, shouldn't we, without marriage? You would think so. Then the state of Virginia passes a law that says (to me, and I am not a lawyer), any contract that confers the same rights as marriage between two people of the same sex is invalid. I don't live in Virginia, but the Red State I do live in could pass a very similar law, if they wanted.

So what does this all boil down to?


I do not want to convert you, your kids, your wife or anyone else in your family to some gay agenda. I want to respect the fact that there are differences.

I do not want to undermine the institution of marriage, I want to support it.

I do not want a free ride, I want to enjoy my life, work hard, make a lot of money, pay a fair share of taxes, set a good example for others and be respected for my accomplishments.

I do not want special rights. I want only to protect my own family.

Marriage is rock-solid protection.

A religion of health?

Ann Althouse discussed the religion of health about a week ago. She has some good points about our obsession with vanity and sexual attractiveness disguised as "healthy living", and expenditures for optional procedures which could be better spent to help the truly needy. But when the Vatican tells me I have to change my ways, I have got to question the underlying motives:

• Is the Pope's own suffering a better example because he is refusing treatment? But if he is receiving treatment (and I cannot imagine they have not tried something), how is he a greater suffer than say ... Michael J. Fox?
• How much of the Vatican's message was really about improved sharing of medical resources (i.e., we in the U.S. are selfish) versus a promotion of one of Opus Dei's more barbaric pre-occupations with pain and misery as a vehicle for ascending closer to God?
• How is this "religion of health" any worse than the Church's obsession with celibacy, unfettered procreation and the demonization of homosexuals?

When asked why she was not a strict observer of the various decrees from Rome, my late (and formerly devout) Mother replied tartly, "The Pope don't pay my bills".

He doesn't pay mine either.

Taking the Plunge...

First post. There are so many things that occur to me in the car or during work and various other locales and situations (which do not rate mention or detail here). But now that I am called to actually reduce these thoughts to digital code that will represent (roughly) the written American-English language, I am stumped. But give me a little time.

I have never been one to actively embrace the popular cuture, or the next "new thing", unless it really interested me. Computers, the Internet and now the "blogosphere" as some call it, are becoming a passion. I love watching what may be a real transformation into the true information age. Or it could be the mood ring of the new millenium. Whichever......